4 Reasons You Are So NOT Ready for Marriage

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21 Comments

Dear Single Ready-To-Be-Married Mama,

I heard you complaining about how you’re really ready to be married, and just waiting for the right guy.  And I know how challenging it is to raise a child without the help of a committed partner.  You’re smart, and I understand why you would think that being married is the answer.  Well, I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't tell you something very important.  You think you are ready for marriage, but the truth is—you are so not ready!

Trust me.  I know.  You see, I've been happily married for 15 years. I love my husband dearly. But as amazing as married life is, there are some things that nobody tells you. When I got married, I thought I was ready.  But I wasn't, and I know that you aren’t either.  You aren’t ready because you don’t know the 4 secrets of marriage that nobody talks about.  So honey, let me be the first to break the silence:

  1. Once you’re married you will want a divorce.  You won’t feel that way every day, but there will be days that you fantasize so hard about leaving your husband that you’ll do a Google search for  “quickie divorce lawyers.”   Many, such as the website  divorcestatistics.info,  estimate the U.S. divorce rate to be 41-50%.  It will take unbelievable commitment from both you and your husband not to become a statistic.
  2. He really won’t care about making you happy.  Well, he will care.  But his first instinct will be to make himself happy.  And that will be your first reaction too.  That’s just human nature.  Your chances of staying married hinge on whether both of you are mature enough to push that instinct aside and put your spouse first.
  3. He’ll cheat on you.  If he doesn’t he’ll be in the minority. Infidelity is one of the top reasons for divorce with some studies estimating that as many as 75% of married men cheat. It takes a really strong man to keep his eyes, mind and other body parts focused on just one woman.
  4. It doesn’t get easier as you get older.  A recent Wall Street Journal article stated that the divorce rate for people over 50 has doubled over the last two decades. Marriage is work at any age.  If you aren’t prepared to work at your relationship for life, then don’t bother making a trip down the aisle.

Don’t get me wrong.  Marriage can be beautiful.  But it is a challenge.  And those married girlfriends who say that it’s a bed of roses are lying to you.  You have to decide if it’s worth the risk.

Signed,

Your Happily Married Friend

P.S. – Now do you really think you’re ready for marriage?

Words: Yolanda Darville
Yolanda Darville is a mom, writer, communications strategist and blogger focusing on philanthropy and empowering women.  Learn more about her on her blog www.bahamamommyinc.com .

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Comments

  • Misstiff823

    Thank you for this. I’m a young woman who has staved off getting married to my SO of 4 years because I know he still has a lot of growing up to do. We all do but I want to be sure he’s aware of what a HUGE commitment marriage is. I’m so glad to see someone with experience tell it like it is concerning this beautiful but difficult institution of marriage. One day I feel we will get married and I’ll keep your pearls of wisdom close to my heart when we take that step. I’ll even discuss this article with him. Thank you again.

    • Yolanda D.

      Misstiff823– Thank you for reading and for taking marriage seriously! Marriage is work, work and more work. When you are both ready to give it your all, married life will be beautiful!

  • http://www.facebook.com/sven.erlandson Sven Erlandson

    Women are cheating all over the place, nowadays! (Rimes/Cibrian, Coco/IceT, Kristen Stewart,
    Rita Ora, Petraeus women).

    My latest book, “I Steal Wives: A serial adulterer
    reveals the REAL reasons more and more ‘happily married’ women are
    cheating” is a powerful look at this EXPLOSIVE topic of female infidelity.
    Research shows its not only on the rise, but rivals or EXCEEDS that of male
    cheating. And the REAL reasons aren’t the typical blather you hear on talk-TV
    or read in the SECOND-HAND information of some psychologist’s self-help book.

    It’ll rock your world! Truly, you will never see
    relationships the same way again! You’ll see them much more clearly.

    This book is the FIRST BOOK EVER WRITTEN on female infidelity from the FIRST-HAND experience of
    a serial adulterer, who cheated with the wives/girlfriends of over 25 married
    men (and a few women), and who also happens to be a therapist (never cheated
    with clients) and has an eye for patterns in behavior, but more importantly,
    the core beliefs that drive behavior! The deep and powerful insights of this
    book will startle women and shock men! And here’s a tip: Cheating always,
    always, always boils down to the exact same reason at the core: FEAR!

    “I Steal Wives” is a salacious, self-deprecating,
    at times funny, and penetratingly insightful look into what is now the very
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  • http://www.facebook.com/TerriBerri0616 Terrian TerriBerri L

    I do not think those are things are what any woman or man should prepare for. Being that I was married before, I know that marriage is VERY difficult. Like I tell people thinking of getting married: marriage is like college; it is time consuming, difficult, and veeery challenging, but worth it in the end. Just as with any marriage, the two of you have to realize there is no longer an “I” or “me” factor, but more of a team. As badly as there will be times when you want to be selfish, you made vowels to share you life with that person! I would NEVER tell someone who is going to get married to prepare to experience infidelity! I really think the failed marriages stem from sex before marriage. Think about it…..when you add sex to a relationship, you are giving the most precious gift you possess to someone else, your emotions become entangled, and you find yourself being physically attracted to someone. People confuse infatuation and lust with love….thats why there are so many FAILED marriages. People get married because the sex is good, because of the opportunities involved, etc. For every man born, there is a woman born specifically for him. The difficult part is finding them ;)

    • Tina

      Totally agree with the part about expecting him to cheat on you!

      What! What kind of mindset is that to have.

    • Tess

      Thank you, finally an intelligent and true statment!

  • anonymous

    pessimistic bish!

  • Eugene

    I think if you both have similar values, strong communication and leave pride out it’s very likely you will have a long marriage. I’ve been married for 22 years now and it requires effort as mentioned in the article

    • k

      but you didn’t say you didn’t cheat on your wife during those 22 yrs!!!! b/c if you did not cheat you would have stated so. one thing i’ve learned about men is that they leave out the pertinent info and state the general and leave it up to you to figure out. smh

  • Nika345

    You lost me with “he will cheat on you” Just because your man cheated doesn’t mean that somebody else’s will.

  • Eli Sofarr

    He will cheat on you? If people go into a marriage expecting to get cheated on then there is no point in marriage unless you want to be a swinger or believe in polygamy. Who writes this garbage and how valid are your facts?

  • Kathy O, Peace and Growth LLC

    Dear Yolanda, aka Bahamamommy,

    I’m VERY SORRY to hear you have written an article to discourage women from making a beautiful committment. I will especially stress this as I feel marriage and the family unit have suffered a great loss in the Black and Latino inner city areas and the idea of “family” and values have suffered a great deal at the hands of misinformation, or lack of enouragement such as this. We have to remember we all lead by example.

    I will agree with you that Marriage is a challenge such as life is whether you’re single, married ,a priest or a nun etc. I think the article should maybe focus on GETTING MARRIED FOR THE RIGHT REASONS as love is the initial indicator but not the sole deciding factor on marrying someone for potential long term partnership. Aside from making sure you have had ample time to get to know this individual, their family, friends and personal interests… Things to ask yourself when you are considering your mate are: 1) Is your partner trustworthy, 2 Do you both share a good sense of humor? (meaning can you laugh at yourself as well- and not take certain things too seriously),3) Can you and your partner pick your battles and 4) Can you compromise with one another? 5) Is my partner a hardworker?6) And do we share similar values when it comes to family and integrity?

    These are great questions to ask yourself while in a serious relationship and if you are considering marriage.

    What to ask yourself if you’re single is another story! And maybe part of my next addition!

    NEVER TAKE THESE QUESTIONS FOR GRANTED LADIES AND GENTS. The answer to these will guide you towards the beautiful and enriching journey of marriage.

    As someone who was recently married this year, I understand the ambivalence for many single ladies, feeling there are slim pickins, not enough good men, etc. To that I say keep your options open, if you try the same thing over and over again expecting different results… well… that’s a receipe for getting the same darn thing you’ve always had.

    I’m a 35 y/o professional living in New York City, I am a therapist, practice mental health and counseling and have done so for the last 11 years. I have counseled many couples, single women and teengagers on the effects of communication, affection, love, depression and difficulty managing change. I grew up with an old school family and witnessed others in unhappy marriages. Before getting married ask yourself: 1. Have I experienced life to my best in my singledom? 2. Is finding a companion important enough for me to be patient and open enough to recognize and value that special person when they come along?

    ABSOLUTELY! YOU ALL DESERVE IT!

    HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MANY BLESSINGS…

    We are what we think… so think well, be good and you’ll live forever…

    Warm regards,

    Kathy O

    kayreezy@yahoo.com

    • Yolanda D.

      Kathy — thanks so much for reading and expressing your opinion. Although I’ve taken an unorthodox angle at expressing my thoughts, I agree with you that marriage is beautiful. I think that if people consider your questions before marriage as well as looking at the risks that I’ve outlined, they’ll have a healthy balanced look at marriage before embarking. It’s great to hear that you counsel couples, singles and families and lead them to their best lives. Kudos to you for making a difference and thanks again for reading!

    • chaka1

      Thank you. Marriage along with starting a family has been a wonderful experience for me. It hasn’t been roses and candy everyday. There are some days I just want to drive off and never come back. However, the companionship and our spiritual connection are invaluable and unexplainable. He has given me two children I adore. He’s hardworking and there in a hurry whenever I need him. I am very lucky like so many other women.

  • AJ

    Sorry to burst y’alls bubble, but most married men DO cheat!! When their wives aren’t around they act single. Every last one of them…I get approached by married men all the time. Sucks but it’s the truth.

  • Lona

    ok, unless you have dated every goddamn married man on this earth (billions…..) then please DO NOT say everyman cheats! Yes, it may be a sound statement to make saying that many do b/c of stats, surveys that were done, but that is from those that chose to take it! That’s like saying every dog will bit you becasue it has teeth!

  • LS

    Sounds like a very fair warning… the worst case scenarion is alwa possibility… no harm in preparing for it…

  • http://twitter.com/DiRealLattyLove Latoya

    Dang right it’s challenging, and with these stats it would make nobody wanna be married

  • Nissi67

    I think the key in this article is, “…staying married hinge on whether both of you are mature
    enough to push that instinct aside and put your spouse first…” This article hits hard but it is real. Even if you are not married, a relationship is work coupled with maturity and compromise. Keeping each other in your mind and heart will help each of you to stay focused on what you each want marriage/relationship to be on a deeper, grounded level.

  • Amoore

    Don’t like this at all. 75% of married men cheat??? Really. I don’t know about that one. Yeah, stop hating!

  • Ray C

    I don’t think any of those are valid. There might be a small amount of validity to #2. I think it is human nature to get somewhat selfish and complacent over time, but I’m not sure it’s as bad as the article makes it seem. I think a little bit of separation and self-serving is something you might have to battle against in any long-term relationship, but that should only be a problem if you expect marriage to solve your problems