Welcome to Love School. Class is in session! Abiola's Love School is a weekly empowered Love Lesson, inspirational class and juicy conversation about love, relationships, dating, sex, commitment and self worth. Each assignment will include homework, resources and actionable steps. Let’s move beyond the surface to experience the true love and intimacy we deserve. Are you in?
Lesson 3: “I Don’t Need A Man” and Other Love Lies We Tell Ourselves
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi
Are you willing to love courageously, with your whole heart? If so, the first step is to stop believing everything you think. The biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves...
My parents are happily married today but this was not always the case. Like most couples, my mom and dad had their ups and downs. I was blessed to have the most incredible father on the planet. Unfortunately, he didn’t always fare as well as a husband. Without casting blame, I am left with serious trust issues.
As a result my entrenched love beliefs include the lies: “men are untrustworthy” and “all men cheat.” If you go out into the world with these beliefs, guess what kind of men you’re going to attract? That’s right. The universe will always reflect your own mind right back to you. The law of attraction will prove your beliefs right every single time. If your basic belief about men is that they are untrustworthy, when your Creator presents men that are trustworthy you won’t even be able to see them.
I call these limiting beliefs “love lies” because pure love is divinely absolute. That means that anything outside of love is an untrue illusion born of fear. Often these love lies come from our own experiences and observations as children. A parent leaves at 12 and you translate that to mean that you were abandoned because you were not good enough. You assume everyone else will eventually leave, too.
Some of these lies we tell ourselves have been passed down culturally or from one generation to another. We trade them over cocktails with our girlfriends and reinforce the walls around our hearts.
But I Really Don’t Need A Man!
If, for example, your hard-working mommy was mother and father to you, she may have taught you that you don’t need a man. Your mom was in survival mode because she had to be. (Please note that although I speak in heterosexual terms here, this is not gender-specific.)
On its surface “I don’t need a man” may appear to be a proclamation of strength but this belief will not serve you in your relationships. There is a difference between needing your partner and being needy. Relationships need interdependence. Men need to feel needed. Your independence and strength then becomes a sword and shield blocking you from ever giving yourself fully -- and from receiving love. More on this in future lessons, but you won’t be able to teach your own children anything but the stories you’re living.
It’s time to take responsibility for your personal well-being. If we want different results in our lives we need different beliefs. The same mind that created an issue cannot solve it. A belief is only a thought that we keep on thinking. The good thing is a thought can be changed.
All limiting beliefs are born of fear. Whether you’re saying “men don’t like me because I’m too dark-skinned” or “no man wants a woman with a kid” you are coming from a mindset of fear and lack. All of these beliefs are basically the same broken belief: “I am unlovable.” You think you’re talking about the other party but you’re really saying, “I don’t deserve to be loved fully for who I am because I’m not good enough.”
How to Change Up the Game.
The question I ask all of my coaching clients when we begin is, “Are you willing to see things differently?” If you can think of one exception to whatever story that you have created based on False Evidence Appearing Real, then this can’t be a rule.
We sometimes don’t even know that we have these beliefs because they’re buried so deeply. Maybe you always leave first to avoid being left or you only date men who are taken since “they’re all liars anyway.” If we go into a relationship with low expectations and then meet that level, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Getting Out of Survival Mode
If you’re ready to move forward, it’s time to stop commiserating with your girls who co-sign on these limiting beliefs. Remember, the world and our partners mirror back to us what we already believe. This results in puny, limited couplings that imitate love. We’re going for juicy, fearless, passionate l-o-v-e, right?
If a belief comes from an experience we had in our family of origin when we were 8-years-old, then basically an 8-year-old is governing your love life.
The way to change a limiting belief is not to beat yourself up or even to try to stop thinking it. What we resist persists. You change a limiting belief by first being aware of it, then replacing it with what you would rather believe instead. Bombard yourself with counter-evidence. Come from a place of self-compassion; no blame or shame. Reframe the belief. Separate the belief from the original event that caused it. Realize that we assign meanings to things but they can always be interpreted differently.
Creating Juicy, New Beliefs.
Let’s look at some love-blocking core beliefs. I will re-frame each of them with a new empowering belief and declaration. You can repeat these new beliefs as affirmations but first you’ve got to address what you already think. Putting a happy face on a gas gauge won’t make a car run. You may also want to follow this up with a healing modality such as Emotional Freedom Technique, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the Sedona Method, Byron Katie’s The Work or the Lefkoe Method.
Limiting Love Belief #1: “All the good men are taken. Actually, they’re all dogs.”
- Old Thought Patterns: All the good men are taken so I won’t date. I’ll just settle for sex when I want something more. All men are liars anyway so I’ll settle for someone else’s crumbs.
- New Empowering Belief: There are plenty of great men available. There are at least 7 billion people on the planet. About half of those must be men -- and I only need one.
- New Actions: Maybe I should leave my living room if I’m looking to meet someone. It might be cool to let my extended circle know that I am available. I’ll try this online dating site that I haven’t checked out before.
- Positive Declaration: “I am an exceptional woman so I only attract exceptional men.”
Limiting Love Belief #2: “Men don’t like women like me. I’m destined to be single.”
- Old Thought Patterns: The men I like don’t like me. I’m too fat/skinny so I don’t date. I’m not attractive. Black men hate women with natural hair/weaves. I make too much money for the men in my circle. According to statistics, black women are less desirable. They all leave me eventually.
- New Empowering Belief: I love, honor, cherish and take great care of myself. I am worthy and deserving of love. Men adore women like me. There are many examples of people in my life who have not abandoned me.
- New Actions: Right now someone is looking for a woman just like me. There are women who look like me in happy relationships everywhere. I look forward to finding someone who is tailor-made for me. Meanwhile, I will enjoy this fun, single time.
- Positive Declaration: “I am a beautiful and bodacious magnet for love.”
Limiting Love Belief #3: “I’m too old to find love and create a family now.”
- Old Thought Patterns: Dating is too much work so why bother. The age appropriate men only want younger women who they can run over or run through. I’m too selective so I’m not going to settle for being treated any old kind of way. I missed my chance.
- New Empowering Belief: I love that I took this time investing in my education, my career and my self. It’s never too late for what might have been. There are great men who want the same thing. Luckily there are many roads to creating a family.
- New Actions: Why don’t I open up my dating pool to a different class or ethnic group of men? It’s not settling if I widen the playing field. I’m a hot catch. Any man would be lucky to create a family with me -- and with the kind of men I’m attracting, I’m pretty lucky too.
- Positive Declaration: “Millions of people will meet the person of their dreams today. Why not me? This is my time!”
This Week’s Homework
Complete these questions in a notebook. You may want to form a Love School Playgroup with your friends to do these assignments.
Take 5 deep, cleansing breaths to get centered and begin.
1. What are your Limiting Love Beliefs? List 7-10 thoughts that you feel to be true about love, dating and relationships.
2. Go to the root. Where did each of these beliefs come from?
3. Ask yourself for each of these beliefs if you can you know 100 percent beyond the shadow of a doubt that each of these is true? If not, are you willing to see things differently?
4. How would it feel to think something else? What are you afraid of? “If I didn’t believe this I would... "
5. Visualize something new. Describe in great detail what things might look like for you if you didn’t have each of these beliefs.
6. List 100 (yes!) positive aspects of dating, men, sex, marriage, relationships and any other love blocked areas for you. 7. Review Lesson ,1 “Post Traumatic Love Disorder ,” and Lesson 2, “Is He Marriage Material?” ---
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, evolved sexuality and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at “Abiola’s Love University www.AbiolaTV.com. Email questions to kissandtell@abiolaTV.com or tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.