Non Parents Your Advice Is Not Needed!

September 4, 2012 2:00 pm By Kay Konnect
advice , newborns , parenting , tips

At least once a week I get it– unsolicited advice from someone without kids about what I need to do with my kids. Usually the advice is trivial but last week I had a friend of mine come to my house and made the comment:

“Girl if I had as many kids as you I’d make sure they all cleaned the house.”

Immediately I could feel myself getting “hot” all over as I thought to myself:

“You don’t have one child! How can you tell me what to do with mine?” Still composed, I told her that until she has kids (let alone more than one kid) then her advice is not wanted. With that we went on about our business until she left later in the evening.

After she left my husband told me I had been a little rude but I didn’t care. What can someone without kids tell me about raising my three kids? Absolutely nothing. I blame this boldness on talk show hosts like Oprah Winfrey ( I love me some “O”) that feel like because they’ve observed kids in different situations that they know what it’s like being a parent. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard discussions on television about the 50 things you shouldn’t do with kids even though many of the “experts” don’t have kids of their own.

Let me give you an example. Just this morning I caught my 2 and 4 year old attempting to open their window in their room. Now under no circumstances could they reach the window to open it but just the thought of them falling out of a second floor window scared me to “death”. So I did what any “good” parent would do– I gave them a firm speech and then I tapped their hands and told them to NEVER touch the window again. Now several of my friends (without kids) are staunchly against the idea of spanking their children–no matter what. So when I told my best friend what I did her response was,

“You shouldn’t of spanked them.”

I calmly asked her would she rather me spank them or them be on the floor sprawled out hurt because they miraculously opened the window and got out. She was silent, so I knew what her answer would be.

My point is until you have kids then you have no idea what’s it like to raise them. Being a parent is a full time job. There are no breaks, no recesses and even on your “off days” you’re still at work.

So when I need advice I speak to someone who is in the “trenches” with me – other parents. When you’re at your “wits end” because your two year old flat out refuses to wear underwear, there’s something calming about talking to a parent who has been through it. Many times they give me ideas that I would never have thought about using.

In the end, before anyone can give me advice about my kids they better have some at home! Now MommyNoire family, do you solicit advice from people without kids?

Words By: Franchesca Lane Warren
Image: Thinkstock

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Comments

Diniece

I read this entire article in the voice of an angry woman ranting about something she does not need to be worked up about. I am sure you have been single at times when giving your friend advice about their relationship, or maybe advised a specialist at the office to consider another approach to a work related problem. Fact is people will give you advice simply because they have an opinion and they are entitled to it. At times their advice may prove beneficial and at times it may not. Maybe this comment would mean nothing to you since I do not have kids. Yet still I am on Mommy Noire because I live with my sister and niece and have a heavy hand in her upbringing and just like her mother, I love her to death and want to ensure that she is always looked after, cared for and loved. Maybe your issues stem from your own desire to be considered an excellent mother, but motherhood as even my sister has admitted in a learning process and like every other learning process we’ve all had teachers, mentors, guidance in some way from somewhere.

Be more open to listening, less hasty to anger and maybe practicing that patience and open mindedness can help in your parenting in the future as well.

With Respect,
A fellow blogger
- With An Opinion
  
  I don’t think the writer is angry. She makes an a good point how can someone who doesn’t have kids give advice? It just like someone that doesn’t have cancer give advice to someone who doesn’t have it? It’s ridiculous. You said you help raise your nieces so even though you don’t naturally have kids you do take a hand in raising those kids so you are a surrogate parent. In the end, calm down it’s not that serious.
  - raven
    
    Exactly, I remember being young and seeing bad a%$ kids and saying if I was their parent I would do this and that. But until I had my own experience as a mother, I then realize that advice from friends with no kids is a no go. Because they have no earthly idea what its like to have someones life in your hands that you are completely responsible for.
    - BossyGirl1980
      
      Thanks Raven! THe same here..I had SOO MANY opinions about kids until I had my kids..Now all of that is out of the window!
      - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1232679720 Katherine Gilbert
        
        You having a hand in raising your niece makes you qualified in giving advice. You actually deal with a child on a 24/7 basis. I think her comment is geared toward people who have no contact with children on a daily basis at all. I would gladly listen to the advice of a teacher, daycare worker, or someone who cares for children. However if you have someone who doesn’t know what dealing with a child is like it can be offensive. Heck we have enough to put up with dealing with judgemental parents anyway. Sorry bossygirl1980 I meAnt this for the original writer of the comment.
- http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1221351350 ‘Author Kia Morgan Smith
  
  I don’t think she’s angry. The fact is people always judge and have something to say when they need to get their own life matters in order. And it’s insulting for someone with no kids to have an opinion about how to raise yours.
- http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1232679720 Katherine Gilbert
  
  You having a hand in raising your niece makes you qualified in giving advice. You actually deal with a child on a 24/7 basis. I think her comment is geared toward people who have no contact with children on a daily basis at all. I would gladly listen to the advice of a teacher, daycare worker, or someone who cares for children. However if you have someone who doesn’t know what dealing with a child is like it can be offensive. Heck we have enough to put up with dealing with judgemental parents anyway. Sorry bossygirl1980 I meAnt this for the original writer of the comment.
http://www.facebook.com/felicia.miles.90 Felicia Miles

LOL @ a two year old who refuses to wear underwear. Will they at least wear pants or a skirt? If so I would say let the child run free for a while he/she will eventually get tired of feeling cold drafts down there! Or option 2 – remind them that they will be the only one in the house not wearing underwear, mommy is wearing them, daddy, brothers, sisters too! If your two yr old is a boy stress that daddy always wears his underwear because boys generally look up to their dads and want to be like him….hopefully at this point they might start feeling left out and will think “let me put these underwear on” LOL good luck with that one. This is advice from the momma of a 17 y/o. I remember those 2 year old days…YIPES!!

I applaud your article, every child is different, every parenting style and family dynamic is different and until a person man or woman has children of their own they will never fully understand. As you have already so eloquently stated having a child of your OWN is a full time and a LIFETIME responsibility. I always say there are two things one should never give unsolicited advice about…1) their children and 2) their man (boyfriend/husband). Carry on mommy you are doing a great job!
- BossyGirl
  
  Thanks Felicia! That’s what I’ve been doing with him refusing to wear them.. But everytime I look up he’s running around all free down there! THanks so much!
Lamar @ BMWK

Good article. On our site whenever someone goes off talking about what you should and shouldn’t do with your kids then it’s an early indicator that they don’t have any 9 times out of 10.
- BossyGirl
  
  Thanks Lamar!
Ronnie_bmwk

I had a child long before many of my friends and some of the things I heard coming from them were rude. I understand that everyonè has a right to an opinion. But if you actually had kids of your own you would know that what works for one family máy not work for others.
- Bossygirl
  
  Exactly Ronnie! Flatout rude…and they weren’t even parents!
http://howsmarriedlife.net/ Briana Myricks

I think that everyone could give some advice about children, whether they have them or not. Some people are around children and have experiences with them, such as teachers or family members with children around. My nephew is around a lot, and my coworker has a daughter. We talk about children all the time. I don’t necessarily give advice, but I listen and tell her how maybe my nephew responded to a similar situation, or even how I responded to a similar situation. Sure, we’re not all parents, but we’ve all been kids before. While I don’t like the “I would have done yadda yadda”, I will be open minded to experience from anyone who’s had it.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1221351350 ‘Author Kia Morgan Smith

Amen! I have five kids and I and NOT the one to entertain listening to folks who have no kids. Like Kanye said, “they can’t tell me nothing!” I disagree with Briana. Everyone can’t give advice. It’s like me giving law advice and I’m NOT a lawyer. Nope, if you don’t have kids, keep your comments to yourself. Experience speaks volumes.
BernettaStyle

I have two and one on the way. Most of my friends have children so that is a good thing. I get where the writer is coming from. I just take comments from people without kids with a grain of salt and keep it moving. I know motherhood is a journey and when they have kids, they will know it too. I just smile because ONE DAY they will be on the otherside of this roller coaster called MOMMY!
kierah

Unsolicited advice is unsolicited advice – period! Does it really matter who’s dishing it out?
Sometimes I get more angry when another parent tells me what I SHOULD do. Why do I get hot? Sometimes their children exhibit traits I wouldn’t care for in my child. My aunt likes to tell me about how my child should eat and how I should make him behave. My instinct says “Do you think I want my child to weigh 300 lbs, have ADD, and still be living at home at 25? You know, like your child does. Nope. I don’t. BYE!”
Other parents should understand that all situations are unique. A lot of parents think that what worked for them should work for you. Not always the case.
So all people – parents and non-parents – could use a vacation from acting like the Supernanny.
- lucascott
  
  sometimes a “because that’s what you did and turned out so well” is called for. There are a handful of so called friends that my eldest sister no longer speaks to because of their unsolicited advice. Either about hooking up with a guy that was in the military, about not marrying him right off but moving in with him, about not having an abortion when she found out she was pregs before they were ‘properly married’ and then the advice on how to raise her son while daddy was deployed and then killed.
  Frankly I think she did the right thing. It’s her life and her child and they were just toxic. Friends are suppose to support you not cut you down and make things negative and toxic.
http://profile.yahoo.com/6BLVMSOQONCYJHH3TRAMKVKYXQ michael

we got two generations ages 15-35 of losing afro american men maybe some folks should start listening to other folks.because it’s your kids on tv making us look stupid.see chicago
JamieC

Although I get annoyed at unsolicited “advice” from anyone (non-parents and parents alike), I feel more annoyed when people without kids give unsolicited advice if it is with a side order of know-it-allness. Certain things you just don’t get until you have kids and can’t really dole out advice from experience. Examples: I was at my grandmother’s house, and a family friend observed my two year old son. He was very active at the time, but what two year old is not? She told me he was too hyper and tried to make him sit down the whole time, and I had to tell her to leave him alone and that that is how toddlers act. They aren’t little adults. She was always talking about her skills with “dealing with” children. I guess she thought because she worked with youth that she knew what the deal was with my child.

Another time, before my son was born, my husband fussing about my sister not “controlling” her one year old. He was just active (walking around, rolling on the floor for fun), and not unruly, and sometimes even with the best discipline, a child will be a child (especially babies). My point is that sometimes before you have kids, and you aren’t used to living with them, typical childhood behavior can make you believe that the parents don’t know what hell they are doing…and then you have your own kids, and you see that it wasn’t so simple. I used to be the same way, and I thought I kind of knew what it was like to parent a child since I was a daycare worker. Boy was I wrong.
JustLa

I’m just the opposite. I cannot stand when a parent tells me “until I have kids, I won’t know.” Especially if it’s about a kid I’m around often. Sure, you experience life with your child everyday, so you should have a better handle on your children than anyone. However, I have had years of experience helping to raise younger family members at a young age. You don’t have to be a parent to know something is wrong when you see a sudden shift in a child’s behavior or to see that a kid is spoiled or bad as hell. There’s a difference between a kid just being a kid and something being wrong and the parents being in denial. Although, I never say “you should”, I will suggest if I see things from time to time. I’m far from the chronic know it all. But if you bring them to my house and they’re acting up, play the backseat parent in denial all you want, my mouth will be heard, And if it’s family, yes I will discipline your child. You don’t like it, don’t come over. Lol
lucascott

to the first person I would say that you had children not slaves.

re the second. if it was a light tap and you explained to them why you were doing it in a calm and logical manner and not just smacking the shit out of them, well I think they will be just fine. Sometimes a little light rap is what is needed to get a kids attention so they will listen. Just as my mother did with us, just as my siblings do with their kids (and are okay with me doing when it is truly needed while I’m watching my nieces and nephews)