Having twins, people often ask me if I choose favorites. So, now I’m asking you …

If you have more than one child, you’ve probably had to choose between one child or another. How exactly do you decide who to feed first, how much to spend on each child or who to kiss goodnight first? All throughout our lives, we have to make choices about which child to cater to most, first or more. Are we subconsciously choosing favorites?

Maybe one child is a loud crier and annoys you most. Do they automatically become the one you lend attention to first? Or do you show a little tough love and make them wait? What if you know one child has a slower developmental learning ability, do you spend more time teaching them? Or do you have lower patience teaching them altogether? Do you feel extra close to the child who resembles you or your personality? What about the shy child versus the bold one?

Our children’s personalities may become a subconscious measure of who we deem our favorite. If so, would you admit to having a favorite or do you keep it to yourself (even from your co-parent)? Or do you swear that favorites don’t exist between you and your kids?

I have heard mothers who admit they love their first-born most or their quiet, more calm child a bit more. Some mothers give the child who is introverted a lot more attention. And some moms even resent the kid who looks like their deadbeat dad or love them more passionately if they look like the man they love.

For me, it is extremely difficult making the decisions between my twins since they’re the same age. For instance, they both need to eat, sleep, change, bathe, and cuddle for love at the exact same time. The trick with twins is to keep them on a schedule about 15 minutes apart from each other. It starts at the beginning of the day, feeding whoever wakes up first then starting the process 15 minutes later for the next child. Put them to bed in the same order at the day’s end.

As a woman who loves her children equally but in different ways and for different reasons, it’s easy for me to say, no, I do not choose favorites. I know my children so very well even after just 10 months of life. It is easy for me to determine who has a greater need and for what. They each have non-verbal ways of sharing what they need, whether it’s hunger, sleep, love or leisure. I read the signs they give me and respond accordingly.

Choosing favorites could be detrimental to your children’s upbringing. At some point they will figure it out and become resentful or emotionally bruised by this. So mommies, please don’t choose favorites. Find all the reasons to love your children equally and show them in every way you can. Remember the best way to show love is quality time and effective communication.